You look worried. Yet you seemed so sure of this on the phone. I could hear the desperation in your voice, so I came as soon as I could.
Please try to relax. Is it my cape? I thought it added a nice touch of drama. But I can take it off if it makes you nervous. I am here to help after all. I love to help people. That is why I became a Social Media Mancer.
What is a Social Media Mancer? I told you on the phone but you were so upset at the time, I will tell you again: Think “necromancer.” Not that I speak to the dead, but you get the idea. I am a diviner. Divining has been around for ages, trying to predict the future from the flight patterns of birds or the arrangements of the stars. The practitioners had the right goal but lacked the means to achieve it.
The big difference is that social-media-mancing is strictly scientific. Now we have computers. Computers use math and math is never wrong. Using formulas along with my interpreting expertise, I can give you a big advantage – tell you things that others do not know.
My role is to gather all of your social media data and create a picture from it. All of your Facebook likes, Google plus ones, Twitter Favorites and retweets, all of the upvotes and downvotes, all of the comments you have ever made and received – they all create a portrait of you and what others think of you.
Does a girl on Facebook like you or not? Will a potential employer offer you a job? Is your best friend shunning you? I can tell you that, using algorithms, and save you from all the painful guesswork. But I can do more. Give me your data and I can tell you your future. I can map your current life trajectory and find ways to change it if you want. Let me be your mirror.
What do I cost? Oh, heh heh, there it is, that slippery question. But before I answer your question, you answer mine: What is it worth to you to know what others cannot? Knowledge that will empower you to act when everyone else is paralyzed by uncertainty? Why, you will be a superhuman among mortals.
I am sorry. I see the worry in your eyes. I will be frank: One two-hour session with me will cost you 500 dollars. I will send you home with a full profile of your on-line presence, including the facts of who your are, how your are reflected in the eyes of others, and your future as you are tracing it now. For an extra fee, your package will include a life wellness plan, with suggestions on how to improve your future.
What? You only have 499 dollars? A terrible shame. But hey, I will tell you what I will do. Because you seem like such a nice fellow, I will mark it down a dollar. No; even better. Two dollars so you will not be completely broke. I could not take the last dollar from anyone. There. Problem solved. Good thing I am not in this for the money, eh?
What? The price is still too high? Wait a minute. Before you direct me toward the door, let me say one more thing. What I do – social media mancing – is bigger than you alone. Bigger than me. Bigger than anyone. All of the divining and auguring and prophesying throughout the ages — they have all been rising toward this point. Give me enough data and I can tell you the future of the human race.
Many have claimed to see the future, but now, thanks to technology, it is truly possible. I can give you predictions that will put Nostradamus to shame; send the National Weather Bureau running for the hills. There. Have I convinced you? Did I just see a sign of life in those eyes?
Ha ha, thank you, thank you, you are my new best friend! I see that all of it is here, all 498 dollars. You are making a wise decision, pal. I will naturally need to get all of your passwords. Do you have a pen? Just a moment. Here. Your appointment card. The address is on the back. I will see you at 2:00 on Wednesday.
I must warn you, however, my services are much sought-after. Our parking lot is always crowded. There will be a parking fee. How much? Nothing really.
A dollar. A dollar is all.