fbpx

The Emotional Wildcards of Social Media

Most of the time I forget I’m bipolar. Or at least, I don’t give it much thought. I don’t get up and think, “Huh. I am feeling extra bipolar today. All these moods.” I’m a writer first; bipolar is a far second. Mostly I think about writing. How can I do it better? How can I earn enough money for writing so that I can do it forever?

But like a rogue asteroid, a “trigger” is always lying in wait, threatening to hurtle toward me on days I least expect it. Normally it blindsides me and I find myself going from a soaring mood to lying in a shivering heap, wishing that I knew of a safe way to become comatose for a month.

After my bipolar diagnosis over a decade ago, which led to medication, triggers have – for the most part – not been a big deal – except for the triggers that have, for the last couple of years, come from the world of social media. “Crashes” is what I call them in my head, with all the brutal violence that the word implies.

It may seem odd that something as seemingly harmless-sounding as social media, which does not even exist in space, could have such dark and destabilizing power over me.

After all, websites like Twitter, Facebook, and Google Plus are designed to make you feel good. The main option for interaction is to “like.” There is no “dislike” option, and who can resist going to a place where they stand a very good chance of being liked?

The showers of validation are addictive. They offer warm feelings of connection; they can make almost any user feel popular. But, especially when you have a mood disorder, the praise can sometimes make you feel too high, to the point that when validation fails to come, a steep fall lies ahead.

A recent example: I went to Facebook and saw that someone had made a comment on one of my e-books, stories I am giving away so that readers can sample my writing. Amid a number of friendly comments was one that jumped off the page, a simple line attacking the “quality” of my science fiction story “The Atavist” and comparing my writing unfavorably to that of another writer he admired.

The vague criticism caught me totally off-guard. I had just taken a casual and almost unconscious glance at the comment thread. My critic had given no specifics; his comment was nothing more than a swinging fist coming at me through my smart phone and striking me in the jaw.

I know all writers get criticism. It is an unavoidable, even essential part of any artistic profession. I have been lucky in that, in over three years of blogging regularly, this was the first time anyone had attacked the quality of my writing. I was not devastated, but seeing the comment did unsettle me, and over the next few days it replayed itself more than once in my head, always bringing with it a jolt of discomfort. Although learning to shrug off criticism is a must for a writer, seeing the niggling comment in this case was avoidable and did me no good. The “hit” came to me through my Facebook page and, of all things, my phone.

Luckily, such incidents have been rare, and criticism coming from judgmental, opinionated people is only part of my problem with social media. Even getting no response can be a downer.

In real life, if you were dining at a restaurant with friends and said something that was important to you, it is unlikely they would ignore you. Online, sharing a status that no one responds to happens frequently. in the silence, the illusion of connection disintegrates. Cyberspace turns out to be a cold place after all; the sunlight was a mirage.

Moreover, a system built around “liking” encourages seeking approval, which is what I try not to do. The want to please has been instilled into me since early childhood. It hurts me, and for a long time it hurt my writing until I realized what was happening.

I am a writer and, in order to write anything that matters, I have to be honest whether anyone approves or not. But while I am trying hard to move away from seeking validation, the design of social media pulls me back toward it.

On social media websites, having what you say “liked” is a key reward like gold coins in “Mario.” Social media turns my unwanted craving for validation into an actual game in which approval becomes the way to “win.”

I am reminded of the line in the poem “The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock,” “I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.” What might he have written in the year 2015? “I have measured out my life in Twitter likes.”

Aside from being ignored, what destabilizes my moods most of all is “notifications.” I am not sure how it is for people without bipolar disorder, but turning on my smart phone to see my notifications in the mornings is always a terrible emotional risk. I am giving unpredictable messages from the outside world power over my mood.

Mornings have been ruined due to feeling rejected by a “friend” on social media. Most of the time I find out nothing was really wrong. Often, an illusion of rejection is due to limited communication options, particularly on Twitter, which restricts writing space to a nub, leading to frequent communication misfires. Trying to read minds by “reading between the lines” or mentally adding angry inflections to messages can drive you truly insane if you let it.

Moreover, I have lost valuable writing time due to drawing negative “emotional wildcards” from my smart phone. More than anything else in my life, social media triggers the kind of emotional whiplash I need to avoid. Would my life not be healthier and more productive if I quit altogether an activity that gives others power over my moods?

The even bigger question is, should I be on websites designed to preoccupy me with others “liking” me? Honesty is the goal of writing, and I rejected popularity as an unworthy goal at age 12. The people I most admire are people who don’t care about praise, but who are so passionate about something real they are willing to risk rejection for it. Writing is about being, not seeming. So much of social media is about seeming.

Being drawn into the social media game predisposes me to obsessing over trifles. It is like an air castle for my ego, bouncing it up and flinging it down – not the best situation for someone with bipolar disorder.

Why have I not quit? Because social media does offer some substantial rewards. After much resistance, I went on Twitter in order to promote my writing and perhaps capture the attention of an agent.

As a result, I have over 36 thousand followers on Twitter, and tweeting my blogs has been my best way of sharing them. Plus, I have many thoughtful, talented friends on Twitter who have supported me, and I want to continue supporting them back. I also got the prize of a book deal through Twitter for my novel. (Originally the release was scheduled for fall 2015, but due to unexpected editorial issues, the release has been delayed.)

But despite its benefits, social media is destabilizing for me.

I have tried many ways to adapt. I have tried only checking social media notifications at certain times, preferably not first thing in the morning when I am sleepy and confused. That way I can psychologically prepare myself for the possibility of drawing an accursed emotional wildcard, like the one called “The Troll.”

I also wrote a list of “big picture” questions to refer to in case I start to obsess too much over trifles: What will the world look like 100 years from now? How much life is there in the universe? What does it mean to exist if atoms are mostly empty space? Will humans evolve into a more advanced species? What ideas or values do we now accept that will one day be seen as unjust or cruel?

The universe is a fascinating place teeming with things to learn and wonder about. There are so many books I would love to read. To spend even a half second asking myself why no one retweeted my cat pic is a tragic waste of mental energy and life.

To reap the “substantial” rewards of social media activities, I need to find a way to do them without them bringing out the worst in me, without them turning me into a petty, ego-bloated approval seeker. With or without social media, I need to seem less, and be more – my ideal both in my writing and my life.


If you enjoyed this post you might like my other writing. Take a moment and sign up for my free starter library. Click here. Also my new novel \”The Ghosts of Chimera\” will soon be published by the folks over at Rooster and Pig Publishing.

Shopping Cart
Scroll to Top